By Mary Shen, M.D., M.Sc. and Gene Beresin, Executive Director

Posted in: Hot Topics, Parenting Concerns

Topics: Bullying, Hot Topics, Mental Health

This article is also available in Chinese

What are Microaggressions and Why Do They Matter?

Your child is certainly dealing with all of the normal parts of being a kid, such as engaging in academics, joining clubs, playing sports, enjoying hobbies, and making friends. However, their experience may be impacted by microaggressions, which are subtle ways that make them feel like they don’t belong. While you may be familiar with macroaggressions, which are overt intentional acts of aggression (i.e., racial slurs), microaggressions are comments and behaviors that may not intend harm and are often implicit but reinforce the feeling of being an outsider. The effects of these comments and actions can build up over time.  Being on the receiving end of microaggressions can be akin to “death by a thousand paper cuts,” leading to a significant harm to your child. Here are some examples of microaggressions:

• “Where are you really from?” (implying they can’t be American)
• “You must be good at math and computers.” (turning them into a stereotype)
• “Your lunch is smelly” (implying their ethnic food is “weird”)

As a parent who grew up in an Asian country, these comments might feel like “small things,” or even compliments. But microaggressions matter and have real-life consequences. Research has demonstrated experiencing microaggressions, and other forms of discrimination, was linked to depression, social alienation, and poor academic performance, as well as increased suicidal ideation. These findings are especially concerning, given that suicide is the leading cause of death for Asian youth.

These findings are alarming, and it’s why parents need to understand the serious mental health risks of microaggressions. Ignoring microaggressions doesn’t make them go away or make your child “stronger.” In fact, it only leaves your kids to face them alone. Together, you and your children of all ages can collaborate to foster prevention, early intervention and coping mechanisms.

We all need to be aware of microaggressions. Parents and caregivers should be able to embody the Clay Center’s 3 Ws: What to Look For; When to Worry; and What to Do. Let’s look at how these actions can apply to real-life situations:

What to Look For:

How Can Asian Parents or Caregivers Spot a Microaggression?

Microaggressions can come from anyone, including peers, teachers, coaches, school administrators, community leaders or strangers in person or online. If you don’t have experience with microaggressions, it may be hard to spot them. Here is an easy test to determine if an interaction is a microaggression:

The “3 S” Test:

• Does it SINGLE them out? – Comments like “Your lunch smells weird” draw a line between them and everyone else.
• Does it STEREOTYPE? – Statements like “All Asians are good at math and computers” may sound flattering at first but may place significant pressure on your child to meet these expectations. And if they happen to be weak in these areas, it could also discourage them from seeking help, as they may place undue blame on themselves to avoid disappointing you. Further, if your child feels that meeting these standards is critical for their identity, they may opt for working hard at achieving excellence in these areas, rather than other skill sets that they love more, such as writing, art or others.
• Does it SUBTLY insult or “other” them? – Questions like “Where are you really from?” may not be as overtly hurtful as a racial slur. Even if the intentions are not meant to be hurtful, these statements suggest they don’t belong. They may tend to feel like outsiders, marginalized and unacceptable.

When to Worry:

If the answer is YES to any of those questions, it’s probably a microaggression. Even if you’re unsure, trust your child’s feelings and responses to the 3 S Test. And if you determine that it is a microaggression, it’s time to worry. While some kids may be more resilient than others, or not show signs of distress, they may have endured an emotional trauma that could result in harm at some point in the future.

The emotional and behavioral effects of microaggressions and other forms of discrimination in Asian American youth may include:

• Social withdrawal and isolation
• Anxiety, anger, and stress
• Poor sleep
• Depression and physical illness
• Increased alcohol use disorder and illicit drug use
• Decreased engagement in school and decreased academic performance

What to Do:

Why Do Kids Need Parents to Talk About This?

When kids first encounter microaggressions, they may think to themselves, “Maybe I’m too sensitive,” or “Maybe if I just act more American, this won’t happen.” Over time, the trauma chips away at self‑esteem and teaches kids to hide parts of who they are. Parents should ask about and identify the experience and talk openly with your kids. The conversations we encourage below will likely:

• Validate feelings – They know that you’re on their side, that you understand them, and can come to you for help in the future.
• Build resilience – They learn how to stand up for themselves and be assertive, instead of being passive and shutting down.
• Strengthen identity – They see that their culture and background are something to be proud of, not ashamed of.

Tips For Helping Your Child Deal with Microaggressions:

1. How to Start the Conversation

Listen First

Your first urge may be to minimize the experience (i.e., maybe they didn’t mean it that way) or turn it into a lesson (i.e., feeling like you need to teach them rather than listen to them).  But, truly, all you have to do is listen. Your child needs to feel heard and cared for before you offer advice.  Ask open-ended questions:

• “What happened?”
• “How did that make you feel?”
  

Validate

Validating statements can help your child feel that their experience is important. Here are some examples of validating statements:

• “It makes sense that you’re feeling frustrated, I would be feeling that way too.”
• It’s okay to feel that way, you’re not alone.”
• “Many people feel upset when facing that kind of situation. You’re not alone in that.”

If you were a victim of microaggressions, it may be useful to let them know what happened to you, how it made you feel and what you did about it.

It’s helpful to understand if your child is looking for validation or advice. How will you know the difference? It’s easy –  you can ask your child, “Are you looking to vent or are you looking for advice?” Sometimes they are looking for validation first, then advice.

Name It

Sometimes kids don’t even realize what they experienced has a name. You can say:

• “That’s called a microaggression. It’s when someone says something that might seem small but actually sends a hurtful message.”
  

It may be hard to name these things at first – you may be worried that by naming this situation, it will make things worse. However, it will allow your child to understand the form, context and nature of microaggressions and come to you for help in the future. Again, we cannot control whether your child faces microaggressions – we can, however, make sure they don’t feel alone, helpless and blame themselves.

2. Teaching Your Child How to Respond

Many children may freeze when they hear a microaggression. Later, they think of what they wish they had said. You can help by practicing at home.

Role‑playing can be really helpful. This is a process in which one of you takes the role of perpetrator of a microaggression and the other responds in a civil, clear manner. Role playing should not embody a battle. Rather, it should open a door for a conversation.   Try brainstorming some responses together:

• Simple correction: I was born here. Where are you from?”
• Redirection: “Why do you think all Asians are good at math or computers?”
• Setting a boundary: “That comment isn’t funny to me. Why do you think it is?”

There’s no “right” response for every situation, as the goal is to give your child options, the confidence to use them and to master an ability to respond politely and engage the other individual.

3. Reinforce Pride in Their Identity

Microaggressions send the message that being Asian is “weird” or “foreign.” Parents can counteract that by role modeling messages of Asian pride.

• Cook family recipes together
• Celebrate holidays together (i.e., Lunar New Year, Diwali, Obon, or other traditional holidays)
• Share stories about grandparents, your own upbringing, and your experience coming to the US.
• Discuss the historical and cultural features of their ancestral homes

You can help your child feel proud and connected to their roots. Through these actions, they’re way less likely to internalize harmful messages from the outside world.

4. Keep the Door Open

At the end, remind your child that they don’t have to deal with these things alone.

• “You can always talk to me about these things.”
• “We’ll figure out how to handle them together.”
  

When your child knows they can come to you, they won’t feel as lost and isolated. In fact, this opens the door to better

conversations — and strengthens your relationship.

The Takeaway for Parents

When dealing with microaggressions, you don’t need to be perfect. Many of the tips noted above may feel awkward or uncomfortable at first. What your child needs most is knowing that you’re on their side – that you want to listen, you want to understand, and you want to stand beside them as they navigate the world. These intentions and actions can help build their confidence, foster their identity as well as bolster your attachment with your child.

For more resources, please see some of our other articles from the Clay Center for Young Healthy Minds for tips on having difficult conversations with your kids:

1. Talking to Your Children About Asian Hate
2. It’s Not a Burden: Talking with Your Asian Child About Mental Health
3. Ways to Emotionally Support Your Teen in Responding to Racism and Racialized Violence