By Gene Beresin, Executive Director and Masha Mesyef

Posted in: Parenting Concerns, Teenagers

Topics: loneliness, Parenting, social media

By Gene Beresin, Executive Director

All the lonely people/Where do they all come from/All the lonely people/Where do they all belong

                                                                                                            Lennon and McCartney

With Gen Z now reporting the highest rates of loneliness of any generation, and parents more concerned than ever about the perils of social media amid recent suits against META, researchers are increasingly pointing to something we’ve understood for decades: the power of a secure, trusting bond between a child and the adults who raise them.

In the psychological literature, they appear to be crucial for:

• Effective and accurate cognitive functions
• Emotional flexibility
• Feeling safer and more secure
• Finding meaning in experiences
• Self-regulation and managing one’s own feelings and behaviors
• The capacity for intimacy and healthy interpersonal relationships
• Empathy
• Self-awareness and comfort with one’s identity
• Resilience

That’s a lot, and more than any parent or caregiver could possibly want for our kids, teens and young adults. Kids with secure attachments tend to handle stress better, bounce back from setbacks, form closer friendships and know themselves more clearly.

But how does this happen?

We humans are pack animals. We need each other. We need relationships.

As Winnicott so clearly pointed out, development requires both a biological endowment and a facilitating environment. The former is rooted in genetics and physical contributions to our development, and the second, perhaps the most important part of our life experience – in relationships.

Dan Siegel summarized the process well. It is a gradual process, beginning and grounded in the first three years of life. Its components include:

• Collaborative Communication: Parental attunement to the child
• Reflective Dialogue: Creating the sense that subjective experience is important and can be shared. This allows the child to be seen
• Repair: Identification and repair of miscommunications and misunderstandings. This requires that both parent and child are mindful of breaches, and use apology and reparations, to mend fences
• Emotional Communication: Sharing and amplifying the positive and mitigating the negative in the interpersonal world of parent and child
• Developing Coherent Narratives: Helping the child and teen develop an internal autobiographical sense of self, and self-awareness, key for self-reflection and a solid sense of identity

Attachment theory has shaped how we understand social and emotional development, parenting, and our own relational patterns. Yet little research addresses how secure attachment protects against specific, longstanding threats to youth development.

In particular, let’s consider loneliness and misuse of social media.

Secure Attachment and Loneliness

On May 3, 2023, The United States Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy released a new Advisory calling attention to the public health crisis of loneliness, isolation, and lack of connection in our country.

According to the Advisory, social connection is a critical but underappreciated contributor to individual overall health, community safety, and resilience. Yet, around half of all U.S. adults report experiencing loneliness, with some of the highest rates among our young people. In fact, today the Gen Z population reports the highest rates of loneliness.

The Surgeon General noted that it is important to “Invest in your relationship with your child or loved one by recognizing that strong, secure attachments are protective and a good foundation for other healthy relationships.”

The report didn’t specify how to foster these attachments (practical examples follow below.) There have been some studies (though few) on how secure attachment mitigates loneliness.

Consider a teenager who gets left out of a group chat, or shows up to find plans have changed without them. A securely attached teen is more likely to mention it to a parent that night, or reach out to another friend rather than sitting with it alone and assuming the worst about themselves.

Teenagers’ need for bonding with others, feeling fulfilled, and trust are grounded in their secure attachment profile. As such, they are more likely to seek help and support when distressed, rather than worrying alone. Their sense of connection to others also helps them build highly developed social skills, mitigating temporary isolation without it developing into chronic loneliness. This view as a part of their autobiographical narrative is an important outcome of secure attachment.

Secure Attachment and Problematic Social Media Use

Parents, caregivers, clinicians, and legislators alike have grown concerned about digital media –both how tech giants design it to be habit-forming, and how young people can misuse it, from bullying to excessive texting and ghosting.

Though research is limited, evidence suggests secure attachments reduce vulnerability to digital media misuse. One study indicated linked insecure attachment to social media addiction, with social support outside of media use acting as a mediator. Another study found secure attachment associated with addiction and fewer mental health problems.

These studies suggest secure attachments give adolescents a sense of connection that doesn’t depend on digital media. Seligman’s PERMA framework for wellbeing (Positive Emotions, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning and Accomplishments), may build on this same foundation, independent of social media.

Secure attachments can reduce a young person’s need to look to social media for validation, emotional regulation, and relief from negative emotions.

None of this means social media is inherently harmful—for many young people, it’s a genuine source of connection and community. The point is more specific: when a young person already feels secure and connected, they’re less likely to depend on a device to meet needs the device can’t fulfill.

What Can Parents and Caregivers Do

With Siegel’s framework in mind, here are some guidelines for nurturing secure attachment:

• When your child is upset, slow down, get on their level, name their feelings, and match your tone before jumping to solutions
• Ask an open question about their day, sit with the whole answer with curiosity instead of moving straight to advice
• After a blowup, come back later and name what happened. This could be “I got too frustrated earlier, I’m sorry” or something similar, even briefly. The repair matters more than the rupture.
• Identify and name positive moments aloud in the moment they happen so the good moments register. This could look like “I love that we laughed about that together” or “I enjoyed watching that with you”
• To facilitate narrative building skills, ask your teen to tell you about their day as a story instead of a checklist. For example, try phrases like “walk me through your day” as opposed to “how was school”

Promoting secure attachments is not easy – for many, Siegel’s skills are complicated by real obstacles: parents’ own insecure attachment histories; adverse childhood experiences; economic pressure; disparities related to race, immigration status, or gender identity; unstable family structure; domestic conflict; or psychiatric or physical disability.

It is imperative to recognize these obstacles and seek support – from family, friends, spiritual leaders, or mental health professionals.

And in the process of getting help, parents and caregivers may not only promote secure attachments with their children but earn secure attachment profiles for themselves. If there’s one thing to remember, what protects a young person from loneliness isn’t any singular rule about screens. It is the quiet repeated work of showing up, listening, and repairing when things go wrong. That’s what secure attachment looks like, day to day. That’s what helps all the lonely people belong.